Wife, Mother, Cranio-Facial Surgeon

Ah, the fine print in a job description. I thought I had pretty much figured out the day to day duties in my job as "Mom to Ben." Then my tyrant of a boss (he's 3) decided to dump a bunch of new responsibilities on me for the new year. I am NOT getting the salary I deserve. I mean, I spend a portion of my week having conversations with someone else's poop.

My new responsibilities include but are not limited to:

Master Storyteller/ Plot Enhancer: Ben's new favorite thing to do in the car is to make up stories. Non-stop. We were in the car for 25 minutes and he talked without stopping. If you don't hang on his every word and respond with the proper phrases, there is hell to pay.
B: Mom, you start.
H: Once upon a time...
B: There was a girl, a girl, and a boy. Their names-es were Daphne, Velma, and Ben. WHAT'S NEXT, MOMMY.
H: It was cold outside, so they decided...
B: to go to Starbuck's in the Mystery Machine.
H: So they started to drive...
B: No, Mom. They didn't. Listen to me.
H: Sorry.
B: They went inside... the good one... on Metcalf... they ordered their drinks. Daphne had a latte. Velma and Ben had cheeseburgers.
H: I don't think they have cheeseburgers at Starbuck's.
B: Well, Mommy. It's my story. They had cheeseburgers.

SUCKER!!!: In grocery stores, at Target, Costco, Borders, the gas station... I must cave to any request quickly, no matter how reasonable/unreasonable. It is the reason we have a new pop up Dinosaur book (see cranio-facial surgeon below), Scooby Doo push up pop frozen treats, and a horde of plastic "toys" (crap) in various toy bins and baskets around the house. It might also explain the 4 identical Lightning McQueen matchbox cars.

Telepathic Butler: I feel like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. In my house, the Devil wears Baby Gap. I should know which Scooby Doo he wants (from helpful descriptions like, "the one where Daphne falls down..), when he might want a snack, exactly how many Goldfish crackers to put in the Cars bowl, and on, and on, and on. He's not demanding, he knows what he wants. Right.

Omniscient Professor of the following (it is unacceptable for me to not know everything about any of the categories below. If I don't know them, I better make them up quickly--- and then remember what I made up so I can give the same answer when he requests it again later the same day):
--Scooby Doo (including, but not limited to: Scooby Doo, Where Are You, What's New Scooby Doo?, A Pup Named Scooby Doo, any/all Scooby Doo full-length movie features, all Scooby characters-- including ages, parents' names, hobbies)

--Dinosaurs

--Perfect Strangers: Why random people at stoplights are driving the cars they are driving, where they are going, their names, their kids' names, their pets, when we'll see them again, etc. It also includes knowing the details about people around us in stores (why are they buying that, Mommy?), at restaurants, and on and on and on.


Cranio-Facial Surgeon/ Archaeologist: Tonight, my most pressing task was to repair the pop up head off a Tyrannosaurus Rex from a Dinosaur book he chose from Border's earlier in the evening. It took scrapbooking paper glue, 5 paper clips, a fair amount of swearing, and about 15 minutes. That's when I realized that the top of his head was no longer aligned to his lower jaw and had to tear it all apart and start over. I am pleased to report that after another surgery, the patient is resting comfortably and will be ready to terrorize one and all by morning.

Maybe if I work really hard, I'll get a nice mid-year bonus.... or a few vacation days.

And some of you people wonder why I haven't had a second?